Seeking help and support through therapy is an incredibly personal decision, and ultimately not one that someone else can make for you. As a therapist, I often get asked for tips on how to get someone in my clients’ lives into therapy of their own. The trick is that therapy can be suggested or encouraged but never forced. What you get out of therapy directly correlates to what you’re willing to put into therapy and having worked with court mandated folks for several years, it’s clear that external motivations (i.e. court mandate, demand from partner) do not typically have the same impact in treatment as someone who is seeking support because they are wanting to explore and help themselves. A major piece of therapy is understanding what we can and cannot control, and this includes if the people in our lives are going to therapy!
So what can we do if we think someone we love could benefit from therapy?
There’s a pretty big difference between “You need professional help” and saying “hey, I’ve noticed you seem to be having a hard time, when I was struggling with something similar it helped me to see a therapist, I’m open to sharing about my experience if you’d ever like to hear”.
Be a role model! It’s easier to tell someone else to “get help” than it is to seek help for yourself so it’s not a bad idea to take your own advice! Explore your role in wanting to “fix or change” your loved ones or discover ways to set healthy boundaries in your relationships with others.
Be an advocate! Even today, there’s still a ton of stigma around mental health. Rather than focusing on telling others to get support, advocate for therapy in general by being open in your personal life about experiences and growth from your own personal therapy.
Be nonjudgmental!
There’s a pretty big difference between “You need professional help” and saying “hey, I’ve noticed you seem to be having a hard time, when I was struggling with something similar it helped me to see a therapist, I’m open to sharing about my experience if you’d ever like to hear”.
Keep in mind there are many ways to find healing and what defines a healer can depend a lot on culture and racial background. Getting help may look like therapy, or it may look like connecting with community, healing through prayer or spirituality, seeking support from holistic healers, beginning to exercise, or changing daily habits. Therapy always requires consent and works best when the person seeking treatment feels motivated and ready to do the work.
Shannon Williams, LMFT
A wife makes therapy more attractive to her husband by making a request, not a demand or manipulation.
The short answer is that you don’t. In fact, it’s therapeutic to stop trying to make your loved one do anything. When someone is forced into therapy, whether by a spouse, parent, or the legal system, it often goes poorly. I’ll sometimes ask an innocent question about “Wife-ordered therapy” when a partner seems to not want to be there. It loosens things up a bit and gives the person an opportunity to say they didn’t want to come. The bottom line is that human beings don’t want to be controlled regarding therapy or any other matter.
That said, there are good reasons to try to influence a loved one to engage in therapy. Approach it from the perspective of What’s in it for me? What’s likely to be appealing to them? When a person understands the benefits of therapy, they’ll often want to come.
For example, a wife makes therapy more attractive to her husband by making a request, not a demand or manipulation. She can share her view that it’s an opportunity to have a better relationship. She can tell him she wants to give him more of what he wants and that therapy is a place to learn how. She can begin the repair process by acknowledging her relational weaknesses. As she owns how she contributes to the marital problem, the power struggle softens before the first session.
If the other isn’t interested, let it go. Lovingly detach from trying to make it happen. Go to therapy and focus, instead, on becoming a better you.
All of these things said, there are sometimes serious issues that require that a person participates in therapy whether they do or don’t want to. When there are safety or legal issues, get a professional involved.
Dr. Bonnie Kennan, psy.D, LMFT
drbonniesrelationshiprehab.com/
I am a true believer that you can’t “make” anyone go to therapy.
I am a true believer that you can’t “make” anyone go to therapy. Often times, making the decision to take those first steps to call a therapist is the biggest step. The client has to be ready to take those initial steps. I believe what loved ones can do is be supportive and assist in providing education about therapy and the myths about mental health, validate their fears and concerns and when they feel they are ready, they will take those 1st steps of making an appointment to meet with a therapist.
Nancy Soliman, MA, LMFT
About 40% of adults in the U.S have sought out counseling for mental health issues. Getting help does not mean you’re broken, it means you are being responsible for your health.
Trying to motivate someone to do something they are resistant to is always tricky. It’s important to remember that for therapy to be successful the client has to be an active participant. That means a willingness and commitment to the process, an honest buy-in. So to make a case that therapy can be beneficial the client needs to recognize that the potential pay-off is something they value as important. That could be a better relationship, relief from anxiety or depression, dealing with a loss, or a general increase in hope and happiness in one’s life. Whatever the reason for beginning therapy it has to be seen as valuable to the client. Make the case gently and let the individual come to their own decision.
Another important part of getting someone to buy-in to therapy is addressing the stigma. In many cultures and in many families, seeking help from a mental professional is seen as shameful or admitting that something is wrong with you. The fact is that about 40% of adults in the U.S have sought out counseling for mental health issues. Getting help does not mean you’re broken, it means you are being responsible for your health.
Alan Chudnow, AMFT
Registered Associate MFT #111770
Certified Trauma Specialist
Employed and supervised by Debbie Freeman, LMFT
There is hope that by focusing on your reaction to the resistant partner you can reach a form of acceptance.
If the partner is resistant to therapy there isn't much to be done. The benefits of therapy comes from someone who is interested. Perhaps, if you ware in therapy, you can invite your partner to discuss matters that relate to you as a couple. In time, if interested, your partner may, or may not, pursue therapy on their own. There is hope that by focusing on your reaction to the resistant partner you can reach a form of acceptance.
And if this is troubling to you, you may want to discuss your perspective with your therapist to reach some kind of resolution for yourself.
Leslie Smith-Powell, MFT
